Your view on who pays for the first date and early dates in general is deeply personal and rooted in your beliefs around gender roles, money, your value and the value you put on the other person.
Ultimately I hope this episode gives you more clarity about yourself, where you stand on this most importantly, why.
As someone who has gone on over 200 dates, my stance is that there is too much focus on men paying for dates and not enough focus on other portrayals of strong character that you might be overlooking.
If the moment the check comes is make or break, then you’re going to potentially pass on an amazing partner.
Nine reasons women feel men should pay on the first date
- The gender pay gap
- The pink tax
- Dating for women is inherently risky
- It’s a nice gesture or like a gift
- It shows they’re a provider and that they’re financially stable
- I like feeling taken care of
- Women do more emotional labor than men in relationships
- If they pay it shows they are interested in me
- Men should court women
Here are DMs I received when I asked why men should pay on the first date:
“Women can pay for dates when roles can be totally be reversed overall when the pay gap is completely reconciled, and women don’t suffer financially/careers when they have children. 😝 men should happily pay for dates they are asking women on.“
“ it’s simply more RISKY for the woman to go out on the date, especially a first date from an app with a hetero guy. (to spell it out, she could be yelled at, assaulted, drugged, raped, etc.) The payment “covers” a bit of that risk, ie it’s almost payment for the “anxiety” women feel when getting ready and going to the date“
“Women do more emotional labor throughout a relationship and mental labor-making lists, assigning tasks (in general) it’s a test to see if a man has a sense of responsibility and will look after me if it came to it.”
How men feel about paying for the first date
I’m going to share some DMs I got from men about how they feel about this expectation to pay for the first date.
My takeaways were that it’s not nearly as deep for men as it is for women and that men are kind of over it but they know it’s safer to just pay.
“It’s not the biggest deal to me now that I make what I view as a lot, but when I was making a normal income this really bothered me. Dating was costing me thousands of dollars per year and it made me feel used. But I felt I had no choice but to not say anything and *clearly* a fair portion of people expected it. Out of 100ish dates, only 1 person insisted on splitting. I LOVED that about her. A few others offered but it was usually unclear whether they actually meant it or just felt pressure to.“
When I shared this on Instagram the most common response from women was, well then he should just pick cheaper places for dates. And I’m with you – if a guy is asking a woman out he’s in control of where they go and coffee is totally fine for SOME women. I’m sure you can think of a woman you know who would scoff at the idea of coffee as a real date. But I hope most of you listening would accept a coffee or glass of wine as a real first date.
“I don’t care if a woman offers to pay, it’s a small green flag. If they strongly insist I actually take it as a sign they didn’t have a good time and don’t want to feel bad about not seeing me again.“
Who pays for the first date in same-sex situations?
From what I learned from all the bi, gay, lesbian and nonbinary folks who wrote in, who pays for the first date is mostly dependent on who asks OR there’s just a baseline assumption that you’re going to split.
“Gay male here and there’s no rule. Either the organizer pays, or split, or take turns from the get-go, or there’s a reason one wants to pay—special occasion, etc. Sometimes it follows an income imbalance, which is fine if it’s sincere generosity and not a quid pro quo. Indeed, often it’s about maintaining equality.“
“35F lesbian. Majority of the time we both just casually put our card down. So we split. There’s no rules. But I find if there is a 5+ year age difference, the older one normally insists on paying. If I arrived late, I insist on paying.“
“I am lesbian & I typically date masculine presenting women. To counter a lot of hetro norms in my dating life the person who initiated the date pays. I personally feel like splitting gives like hanging out for girls night. It almost lessens the courtship/woo of dating.“
So how do you decide who pays for the first date?
- Money values run deep and they’re personal. Your values are yours. Mine are mine. No one is right or wrong, it’s just a matter of making sure your actions align with what is important to you!
- Don’t expect them to have the same money values as you. This is where empathy and compassion come in, as well as curiosity. IF someone operates differently than you it’s not automatically bad.
- Own your money values and know where they come from. I wanted to do this episode to inspire you to dig deeper about why you want the things you want n early dating and if they align with what you want for the rest of your relationship.
Guidelines for who pays on dates
- Don’t offer to pay or split the bill if you don’t want to
- Don’t pretend to do the wallet reach if you don’t want to
- Don’t test your date when the check comes
- Have an open mind and don’t immediately write off a date who asks to split, no matter your gender or sexuality