How to stop chasing unavailable people in dating

This question came from Instagram: “What are your tips for how to stop chasing unavailable people and getting out of the ‘he doesn’t want me’ spiral?”

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Here’s the thing. We chase unavailable people because somewhere, deep down, we want validation. We want the satisfaction of getting someone unavailable to like us. Some would argue that we’re recreating the wounds we had with our caregivers growing up and trying to rewrite the story with a new outcome. What is that new outcome? The person of your affection finally chooses you back and you can live happily ever after.

But that’s not usually how it turns out. You usually try to chase them or convince them that you’re worthy of a relationship. If they just woke up and realized it was you the entire time, you’d have everything you wanted, and life would be good.

What usually happens is they either smell your desperation and get turned off, or they’re just not interested for other reasons (not looking to date, you’re not their type, etc).

No matter how you want to look at it, the fact that they’re unavailable somehow makes them more desirable. You wonder, why am I not good enough? Why can’t they see how amazing I am? And that challenge keeps you craving them, or at least the idea you’ve built up in your head.

So, how do you break this cycle?

Realize that you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want you.

There’s simply no way a healthy, sustainable relationship can start without mutual interest.

A relationship can only start when both people are on board and want to get to know each other intimately.

So if you’re starting out with one person interested, and the other person is unavailable, then there is no relationship. All you have at that point is the idea of a relationship. It’s just a fantasy. Unfortunately, you can’t have a relationship with a fantasy, either.

When someone expresses that they’re not interested in you, you only walk away.

You won’t have to convince the right person that you’re worth dating.

When you’re in a cycle of chasing unavailable people, you’re putting yourself in a position of powerlessness. This situation does not happen to exist; you choose to be in it.

Would it feel satisfying to “win” someone? Yes. But is that how healthy relationships start? No, not in the real world, not even on TV.

Carrie spent at least three seasons chasing Mr. Big and trying to convince him she was the one. She continued to pursue a man who clearly did not have his sh*t figured out romantically. And even in the end, when he left her at the altar… she still just had to marry him.

The right person will not need convincing. They’ll see you for your worth, as you are, and want you. The real you.

Mutual interest is part of what creates a bond of trust, commitment and more of a power balance in a relationship. We need to stop begging people to be with us. We’re above that. That’s for TV and movies.

Recognize that you must heal a deep wound that keeps you chasing unavailable matches.

If this is your pattern, it’s time to do the work and heal. It’s hard to peel back the layers and see what’s beneath and why we do what we do. But that awareness is the first step.

We often subconsciously repeat dynamics or go for partners that allow us to play out relationships with our caregivers. Growing up, we pretty much all go through some attachment trauma, even when our caregivers are doing their best and have absolutely no intention of hurting us.

And to re-write the end of that or to get the outcome we wished we had gotten in our early lives, we subconsciously recreate these dynamics with romantic partners (the people we primarily attach to) in our adult lives.

Once we become aware of these patterns, we can make different choices.

Going for the guy who reminds you a little of your dad or going for the person who feels super familiar isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes, what’s familiar is an unhealthy relationship dynamic where we’re not seen, heard, or can’t meet our needs. But there’s a part of us that hopes it will be different this time.

You deserve to date someone who wants you.

And that’s the only way it’s really going to happen anyway!

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