Texting 101: How To Navigate Texting In Early Dating

Texting in early dating has a life of its own. There’s a lot more that goes into texting than you’d think. 

In this post, you’ll learn how to navigate texting before, after, and between dates, and who should text first. You’ll also learn general things to keep in mind about texting dynamics in early dating. 

This post is for you if you care about texting in early dating.

I know there are folks out there who don’t care about texting and don’t like texting in general. But some level of consistent communication via text when we’re apart from someone we’re newly dating or a long-term partner gives us a sense of security.

Texting matters in early dating because it’s the main way we stay in touch between dates. It’s like the thread between the time spent in person when you’re just getting to know someone.

There’s a certain text etiquette we expect from people at this point. I hope these tips will help you avoid confusion, anxiety, frustration, and whatever else you’re dealing with when texting with someone. I’ve been there.

Texting before a date

It’s best to keep texting to a minimum before you meet in person for the first time.

Why? Texting too much before a date creates a false sense of intimacy and it allows you to build up an image of them in your mind that might not be accurate when you’re getting to know each other in real life. 

Texting someone new is exciting. But you’ve got to save the good stuff for the first date. 

The more you text someone before a date, the higher the chances of ruining the connection before meeting. When you text a stranger, and you don’t know their personality well or their sense of humor. A lot can get lost in translation. It’s better to see how they are in real life first so you can get a better sense of how they speak and what their tone is when talking.

If they seem chatty, and you’re trying to take my advice, here’s what you can say. Text them, I’m glad you want to chat, but I’d prefer to save that energy for our date which I’m looking forward to. Or something along those lines. Usually, they can get on board with that. But if they don’t slow down, you can also just slow down your responses until your date.

Texting after a date

This is another instance where people get tripped up a lot in early dating. My rule of thumb is that if you had a good time, just say so via text after the date. You don’t have to wait for them to text first.

In my experience, if a woman texts a man first after a date, it’s not going to communicate that overeagerness. You won’t ruin the connection. It’s not going to do anything but show that you’re interested.

And to the men reading, I encourage you to also just send a text after the date right away if you’re interested in another date. Women appreciate it and it makes you stand out against other guys. 

If you’re not interested after a first date, you don’t have to text them.

Get to the second date

So many potential second dates get fumbled here when it comes to texting. Here’s a scenario I hear about all the time and have experienced myself.

After the first date, they mention wanting to see you again but don’t follow through. And you’re sitting there wondering, why aren’t they planning the next date when they said they wanted one? 

To avoid having a pen pal, I recommend getting the ball rolling with a second date instead of just chatting.

You can get to the second date quickly by asking something simple like, so when are you free this week? Or when do you want to have a second date? Or what were you thinking for our second date? Just something to introduce the topic into the conversation. You can get more ideas for what to say in my texting script guide.

Bringing up a second date soon after the first one will get you to a no or yes faster. If you bring up a second date or try to steer the conversation that way and they answer vaguely or ignore it, then you know they’re not interested! And if they match your energy and plan a date, then you know they’re into you and want to keep getting to know you.

General early dating texting tips

is texting every other day after a first date normal frequency? I don’t like saying what’s normal and what’s not because everyone has different texting preferences and capacities for texting.

This depends on how much of a texter you are and how much contact you like to be in. Some people like texting, and some people don’t. I think on average by the time you’re going on at least date 3 with someone, most people expect and want some contact between dates preferably via text or maybe phone calls to keep things going and to stay connected. Checking in about once a day for a few minutes via text or even a phone call if that’s your vibe is ideal. 

A daily check-in could be like a quick conversation about your days or what you’re up to – something casual and surface-level just to keep the momentum.

Expecting constant daily contact with someone or good morning/good night texts from someone you barely know isn’t realistic or even healthy in early dating.

Remember that the people you’re meeting are strangers. And you don’t just automatically get into their “inner circle” of who they text frequently. You have to kind of earn that spot, and so do they! 

This dynamic of early-stage dating and texting causes so much anxiety for so many people. If you feel like you’ve been driven mad by a slow texter or someone who isn’t asking you questions or they’re not responsive, you’re not alone and you’re normal.

You can text first

Ladies. I want you to know you can text first. You’re not going to scare them away, you’re not going to ruin it and just because you often initiate conversations doesn’t mean they’re not into you. Some people are just really busy and it has nothing to do with how much they like you. I do think it’s important to give them a chance to text first but it’s not the end of the world if you find yourself doing it often. What matters is spending quality time with someone on dates, facetime and phone calls. Not texting. 

Double texting is also okay. Like if they didn’t respond to your last text, you can follow up later with another one. You’re allowed to send two texts in a row. But if they don’t answer again, then… they’re not into you and not worth it. 

But to the guys listening, if you’re interested in a woman you’re dating, do yourself a favor and initiate some text conversations. I’m going to include text conversation starters in my free guide if you need some help there. The key word here is interest. Only do this if you’re interested in continuing to get to know them. 

Don’t fall for sexting

What happens when the person you’re talking to makes a sexual comment or tries to turn the conversation into sexting?

If you’re out there trying to find someone to have a long-term relationship with, and someone you just met and started talking to brings up sex, there’s a 90% chance that person is only looking for sex. It’s really common, it’s super annoying and here’s what you can do about it. 

If they bring up sex early on or make a sexual comment about you or your body or whatever, you can say, “I’d rather not get into sexual topics at this point, I’m still getting to know you.” Or you can ask, “Remind me what you’re looking for again. We talked about how you’re looking for something serious but you keep bringing up sex. So what’s going on here?” Call them out. 

Don’t be the people pleaser here. Stick to your boundaries. Sexting is fun and there’s absolutely a time and place, but I recommend avoiding it in early-stage dating if you’re looking for a long-term relationship. 

What to text when you notice the shift

The shift is that moment you notice someone’s texts have slowed down. They’re not as responsive. Maybe their texts to you are shorter or they stopped being as engaging. Which can be super confusing if before they were responsive and seemed to enjoy texting you. So what happened? 

I want you to know that if you notice this shift, you’re not crazy and you should trust your gut. If you notice it, it’s probably real. And it’s a shitty feeling for sure. So what can you do?

1. Make sure you give it enough time to know that it’s truly a shift. It could be a one-off day where they were super busy or distracted or whatever. That’s fine. But if it’s a few straight days of a texting cadence that’s inconsistent with what it was when you first started talking to them or dating then that’s a shift.
2. Reach out to them and say, “Hey I’ve noticed a shift in energy from you lately. Are you okay?” or, you can be like “Hey, I’ve noticed a shift in energy from you lately. Did anything change on your end since our last date?” This is a scary text to send, I know. But you’re being a good communicator by doing this!

This is a great test to see if they can also communicate well. Some people might not answer this. Some might dodge it or be vague or even gaslight you and say nothing is wrong. And some might come clean. Either way, you get your answer.

What if you want more texting in early dating?

What if they’re not a big texter and I am? Or What does it mean if they’re not super responsive on texts but very engaged when we’re on dates?

If you want more texting, there’s nothing wrong with that. But I hope you know that the in-person stuff and real-time stuff matter the most. Texting is a way to stay connected between dates and it’s important, so if you need more of that, it’s okay. However, the person you’re dating might not be able to accommodate you if they’re not into texting. 

If it’s still super early and you’re just getting to know them, on your next date, playfully say: you’re not a big texter are you? And start talking about each of your texting habits. Talk about texting as a topic. See what their values and habits are around this. They might say, yeah I’m not on my phone a lot. Or they might say they’re more of a phone-call person. Get into it and see where you align and where you don’t.

It comes down to, are you willing to accept this or will you end it with this person because they’re not able to stay in touch with you in the way that you want?

If you’ve been seeing someone awhile, you can bring it up in person and address it together. Say, hey can we talk about communication when we’re apart? Start there. Tell them exactly what you need and why it’s meaningful to you. See if you can figure something out that will help you feel more secure or whatever it is you need to feel. But this is only appropriate with someone you’ve been dating while, maybe you’re exclusive already or in a committed relationship. 

Down the line, as you get deeper into a relationship, texting matters less and less.

Takeaways

Let’s go over some of the main takeaways about texting in early dating.

1. Don’t text a lot before you meet them, save the good stuff for the first date
2. If you’re interested in a second date, just text them after your date sooner than later to show that you’re into it, no matter your gender
3. Get a second date plan in the works quickly after a first date instead of aimless texting
4. Don’t expect them to be in contact all day and try to be okay with quick check-ins between dates. As long as you have another date planned, it’s all good
5. You can talk about text expectations in early dating by discussing what type of communication you prefer between dates
6. Don’t go along with sexting if you don’t want to and know this is a sign they’re not dating for a serious relationship if they’re bringing up sex early on
7. If you notice their texts have slowed down or changed in tone, you can call it out

I want to see you succeed in dating, and this texting stuff can cause so much anxiety and frustration in the dating process. I hope after reading this, you feel confident texting first and setting boundaries along the way.