What is love bombing?
Love bombing is when someone gives you excessive attention and affection to get you hooked on them. They’re showering you with affection, gifts and attention and it kind of boosts your self-esteem. Then the way you feel about yourself starts to become tied to how they treat you.
Typically, someone love-bombs you for two reasons:
- To get you to fall for them without getting to know you, which usually isn’t intentional
- Trying to gain control over you.
Love bombing is a tactic often used by narcissists, abusers and cult leaders. But just because someone love bombs you doesn’t automatically make them one of these things. Again, sometimes it’s unintentional and the person is doing it without being aware of it. Either way, it sucks. I’m going to get into how to spot it and how to avoid it. You’ll also learn the difference between genuine interest and love bombing.
Love bombing typically happens in the early stages of getting to know someone or a relationship.
However, it can happen in the later stages of a relationship as well. When it happens, there is going to be a sense of insincerity. You might wonder how they’re so into you after only knowing you for a short time. It might feel like they’re showering you with affection without paying attention to who you are. They might give you so much attention and affection that it feels like you owe them something. That’s a trap you want to avoid. You don’t owe people love and affection just because they’re giving it to you. You don’t have to match their energy if it’s making you uncomfortable or if it feels like too much too soon.
The motivation for a love bomber is about “getting” someone. Meaning, that getting someone’s love and admiration is the ultimate goal, not building a relationship or developing a strong connection. There’s a difference between taking action motivated by earning someone’s admiration and taking action motivated by building trust and connection.
While love bombing is linked to personality disorders like narcissistic, borderline and antisocial personality disorder, it isn’t always malicious. Sometimes it’s intended as a manipulation tactic to gain control over someone. But sometimes folks who do it don’t realize they’re doing it.
Studies have shown that love bombing is also linked to insecure attachment and low self-esteem.
The Love Bombing Cycle
Another characteristic of love bombing is that after a period of giving you tons of affection and attention, they’ll withdraw. It feels very dramatic. One day they’re telling you they’re falling for you, then they ghost you for a week. This might compel someone to try to fix the relationship and “get them back.” This is generally what a manipulative love bomber wants. That puts them in a position of power and control. But since you’re listening to this podcast, that’s not going to be you! You can recognize this behavior for what it is, set boundaries and see what happens or walk away.
After you’ve set boundaries or stood up for yourself with a love bomber, they’ll discard you because you’re no longer satisfying their emotional need. Which is a good thing in this case, don’t forget that. When a love bomber discards you, it feels horrible. Typically, it’s right after they built you up and seemed so in love with you. As you can imagine, it’s devastating and confusing.
Of course, it doesn’t end there. Even after it’s over with a love bomber, they might come back and keep tabs on you or check on you. This makes it hard to get rid of them completely. In this case, you have to block them and further enforce your boundaries before they suck you back in.
How do you know if someone is love bombing you?
One important way to tell is if the size of their emotion and expression seems a lot larger than how well you know each other. It’s going to feel like way too much too soon, and while it might feel like a fairytale at first, it’s a huge red flag.
Let’s get into some clear signs that someone is love bombing you.
- Showering you with gifts – but not small gifts. Think over-the-top gifts super early on, maybe super expensive jewelry, luxury trips, dozens of roses, that kind of thing.
- They push for commitment quickly. This is going to look like they want to make you their boyfriend, girlfriend or partner within the first week of knowing you. On one hand, that might feel like wow, they’re so sure about me! They’re not afraid of commitment! But I’m telling you it’s a red flag.
- They’re possessive. They might check in constantly, try to control who you see, what you wear, what you’re doing and all that. But they might try to spin it as caring about you, so watch out for that.
- Over-the-top flattery and compliments. Some verbal affection early on is fine and I would say somewhat important to show interest in each other, but when it comes to a love bomber it’s going to feel like way too much too soon. They might also start using a pet name for you super early.
- They’re in contact with you a lot. Maybe they’re not checking in on your whereabouts and who you’re with, but this could look like constantly calling you, sending long texts and messaging you on different platforms. A love bomber will likely expect a speedy reply from you and get upset when you’re not quick to respond.
It’s hard to see the signs when you’re charmed by a love bomber.
I hope all of these sound like blatant red flags and deal breakers when laid out like this. But I think at the moment, it can be tougher to tell, especially when we have such high hopes for our dating lives. When you encounter a love bomber, you might feel like you finally met someone who’s crazy about you which is what you deserve right? But the issue is the timing. They’re throwing all this attention and affection your way without getting to know you and vetting you as a partner, just as you should be vetting them.
5 more red flags for spotting a love bomber:
- They rush the connection by oversharing and want to know everything about you right away.
- They get jealous when you spend time with anyone else. Again this is not cute, we’re adults and we should have other people in our lives.
- They lash out when criticized or if you try to set boundaries. This is just a huge sign of immaturity, love bombing aside.
- All their exes are crazy and they don’t take responsibility for their part.
- They use their over-the-top gestures to justify bad behavior. Like they’ll get you the crazy expensive gift or take you out to an incredible Michelin star meal, then you might catch them in a lie and they’ll remind you about the nice gift or the expensive dinner.
For the last four I just mentioned, these things should be huge red flags if not dealbreakers. Why would you want to date someone who lashes out when you communicate your boundaries or gets super jealous when you hang out with anyone else, including friends and family? These are not acceptable qualities in a partner and if you ask me, these are deal breakers in early dating.
This is why it’s so important to stay grounded in dating and always take in the whole picture of someone. You can’t just focus on the good, you have to see the red flags too and take action when you see them, whether that’s talking about it or walking away.
What are examples of love bombing?
When I asked you on Instagram what you wanted to know about love bombing vs genuine interest, I got dozens of requests for concrete examples.
- They want to be with you all the time in the beginning. Which I know, seems sweet, but it’s not how a normal healthy connection develops in early dating,
- Another example is saying they’re worried about you. They’ll check on you, even when there’s no reason for them to be.
- They tell you you’re “meant to be” within days of meeting you. That’s a legit example of love bombing. How could someone possibly feel that way after just a few dates?
- They try to isolate you from friends and family by taking up a lot of your time and trying to point out negatives about the way your friends and family treat you, or maybe they’ll make harsh judgments about them or criticize them.
Finally, a concrete example of love bombing is if they’re super lovey-dovey one day, and silent the next. Or maybe they’ll even start saying disrespectful or critical things to you. This is hot and cold behavior.
How to avoid or get out of a relationship with a love bomber
If you’re someone who experienced this or you’re worried about falling into the love bomber trap, here are some ways to avoid it or get out of it.
- Pay attention to early signs and don’t ignore them by setting boundaries or walking away. If you feel like something is too fast, trust your gut and let them know where your boundaries are. Remember that how they react to your boundaries tells you almost everything you need to know. So don’t be scared to enforce them if they come close to crossing the line.
- Become aware of your own vulnerability. Do you typically fall for people who are overly affectionate at first? Were you love bombed before? If you want to avoid getting into a relationship with a love bomber, you have to be honest with yourself about your part in this.
- Learn what a healthy relationship is and how it starts. Healthy relationships have more of a slow burn, even if the feelings are intense at first. In a healthy relationship, you start off more grounded, fully aware that you don’t know someone that well after a few dates and it’s okay to take your time getting to know someone.
- Stay grounded. If someone gets carried away early on, you don’t have to go along with them! Remind yourself how long you’ve known them and how well you know them. Reflect on their behavior and ask yourself if you like it or if you’re okay with it before moving forward and just hoping it will balance out.
- If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Real life is not like a fairy tale.
- Talk about what a healthy partnership looks like to you. If you sense love bombing, bring this up with them. Talk about what it means to be in a healthy relationship and see where you do and don’t align. You can even say in this conversation what actions of theirs have made you uncomfortable, if anything, and see what happens.
- Leave. If you sense they’re a love bomber, skip all that and walk away.
What’s the difference between love bombing and genuine interest?
When someone is showing you genuine interest, it’s going to more or less align with how well you know each other.
While a love bomber might invite you to Paris for a week after 5 dates, someone showing genuine interest might invite you to a day trip after 5 dates, which is more appropriate.
A love bomber would say “I think you’re the one” early on and someone who’s just genuinely interested would say “I like getting to know you” or “I like spending time with you” early on.
And another example is a love bomber might call you excessively while they know you’re out with your friends and act super upset that you weren’t on your phone, and someone with genuine interest will text you something like, “I hope you’re having a great night out!” or something that shows you they care without being possessive.
It’s going to feel less intense with someone who’s showing interest in you but not love bombing. You’re probably not going to feel swept off your feet, and that’s a good thing. You want to stay grounded here.
Someone genuinely interested in you is going to show up consistently, but not be over the top.
Their actions mostly match their words and they show interest in getting to know you, and less interest in acting in a way to get you hooked on them. They’ll take an interest in your interest, be present on dates and most importantly they will respect your boundaries.
I hope this clears up the differences between love bombing and genuine interest. I would be sad if you’re dating and writing off people for being too into you. Remember to keep stepping back and assessing their behavior, you won’t accidentally trip and fall into a relationship with a narcissist love bomb if you stay grounded and stick to your boundaries. I promise.