Figuring out how to move on from a breakup can be frustrating, messy and painful. These tips will help make the process a little less emotionally exhausting and hopefully speed up the process just a little bit.
Why is moving on so difficult?
Do you ever find that you could get over someone you dated for months or sometimes years easily, but then you get stuck on the person you dated for a fraction of the time? This is totally normal. Whether you’re going through a breakup from a long-term established relationship or just getting out of a short-lived fling, it’s challenging to move past. Whenever I was in periods of trying to move on from a breakup, I used to wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when I was completely over it. Wouldn’t that be great? Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way.
Letting go of unmet expectations
One of the hardest things about letting go of love lost is facing unmet expectations. When we expected a certain outcome in a relationship that didn’t work out, there’s still a part of us that is like.. Wait… why didn’t that live up to my expectations? It’s hard to let go of unmet expectations. It’s almost like an itch you can’t scratch. So it’s tough for your mind to stop fixating on it. It’s also where all the what-ifs come from. You start to have this track in your head that goes, well what if I did this or said that or didn’t do XYZ? Or you even question your personality or what you brought to the table. You might ask yourself, what if I was more this or less that? We get stuck in these rabbit holes of what-ifs and it’s hard to pull ourselves out thanks to these unmet expectations.
Admitting you were wrong
Another reason moving on from a break up is so difficult is that it means admitting you were wrong, or something was not right in the relationship. If you loved someone, it’s hard to admit that you had rose-colored glasses or didn’t see their flaws up front, or maybe you ignored their flaws and you knew they were there. Admitting there were mistakes along the way means you have to let go of the fantasy version of them that you’ve likely been holding onto.
It’s easier to stay stuck than to change
Sometimes it’s hard to move on from an ex because it’s easier to stay stuck rather than change. Change is a struggle. Putting in the work required to get over a past relationship is fulfilling and worth it, but it’s also messy, challenging, painful and sometimes exhausting. It’s mentally and emotionally easier to stay stuck in a state where you’re fixated on a relationship that didn’t work out. Moving on means that you’ll start dating too, making you vulnerable to new experiences which may also cause fresh wounds. Staying stuck means you don’t have to subject yourself to new experiences and new people. It’s a way to stay safe.
Putting your ex on a pedestal
Another obstacle that might be blocking you from moving on is that you’re clinging to the idea of them or putting the idea of them on a pedestal. This makes it difficult to move on from an ex because you’re stuck in thought patterns about how great they are, which might make you miss them, rather than recognize the reasons the relationship didn’t work and why you shouldn’t be with them. What you focus on becomes your reality. But there are ways to counter this, and we’ll get to them in a bit.
Limiting beliefs
Finally, we have our limiting beliefs. If you’ve ever thought that you’re never going to find someone while healing from a break up, you’re not alone. I definitely had this thought many times when working through my most recent break up. I had that deep-seated fear that I’d never find a romantic partner as good, that I was not good enough to be in a relationship, and all that. The cool thing about beliefs is that they are one thing we can absolutely change by rewriting. And when we do that, it’s like dominoes, the rest of our life follows and falls into place in a way that aligns with our new beliefs. But if we don’t put in the work to change them, then we stay stuck and unable to move on.
9 ways to move on from a relationship
1. Don’t contact your ex
If you’re able to do no contact with your ex, this is the best thing you can do to move on. You do not need to see your ex’s name pop up on your phone screen. Definitely block them on social media. No, this isn’t a petty thing to do. It’s part of your self-care. It will reduce your anxiety and stress when you can’t see what they’re up to online. Make sure your friends know not to report their social media activity to you. I know that not everyone can do no contact if they work with their ex or if they have children with their ex. In this case, you need very clear boundaries around what you talk about and when.
2. Make a list of why the relationship didn’t work
This step was monumental for me when moving on from a break up and I know it will work for you. In your notes app on your phone, start a list of all the reasons it couldn’t work out with your ex, as well as all the things you didn’t like about them. It’s so important to acknowledge these things to start to rewire your brain and counter any thoughts around wishing they’d come back. Whenever you think of something new, add it to the list. And whenever you miss them, look at the list.
3. Make a list of what you want in a relationship
A second list you want to make is of all the things you want in a partner and in a relationship. This is an unlimited list – it’s not something you want to use in dating per se, but it will help you develop a goal or something to aim for in dating. You can use your past relationship as a learning opportunity. Even though it didn’t work out, there are probably some qualities your ex has or aspects of the relationship that you did like. Include those too.
4. Dive into your hobbies and community
All the energy you spend thinking about your ex? Try to pour that into your hobbies and spending time with people who make you feel good. One of the best things about being single is that you have more time for yourself to pour into stuff you’re into! If there’s anything your past relationship stopped you from doing, now you can actually go and do those things. And make a point to spend time with family, friends and colleagues that you enjoy being around – you know, people who lift you up.
5. Start dating
I know this is cliche advice but it works: the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. I’m not saying you have to go out and have a hoe phase or anything. Of course, if that’s what you want, go for it. All power to you. But being open to dating or getting on the apps is a great way to move on from an ex. Even if you’re not ready for a relationship, you’ll benefit from new experiences with new people and proving to yourself that there ARE people out there to date. No, you probably won’t find THE one when dating right after a breakup or when you’re still working through a break up. But it helps to create some emotional distance between your break up and where you are now. When you date casually, make sure to say upfront that you’re not looking for anything serious so they know what to expect.
6. Feel your feelings
If you’re anything like me, sometimes you might get impatient or frustrated with yourself for not being over it already. I felt that way so many times in the last few years when I got over my most recent ex. You need to have compassion for yourself and meet yourself where you are now. When feelings come up, don’t push them down. Don’t beat yourself up for having them. Don’t expect that you should be over them already – sometimes these things just take longer than we expect. For me, when tough emotions come up, I like to pause, breathe and identify where they are in my body. I find that identifying where they physically are helps me acknowledge and release them. I also write stuff in my notes app when I experience very loud or distracting emotions.
7. Read books about breakups
Something that helped me was consuming content around moving on.
- Break Up Bootcamp by Amy Chan
- Getting Past Your Break Up by Susan J. Elliott
- It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt
8. Forgive yourself and release regret
If you feel like you’ve been clinging on to what could have been or just getting down about your past mistakes, it’s time to release that. Work on accepting what happened and forgive yourself for whatever you’ve been holding over yourself. This break up is just one moment in your very long, full journey in life. The best thing about breakups is that they help us gain knowledge about what we want, what we don’t want and where we can improve as partners. I think that’s beautiful. But we need to forgive ourselves and accept what happened instead of dwelling on what we regret.
9. Don’t forget what you want (a long-term relationship)
Don’t forget about your dating and relationship goals. What’s your end game here? If you’re listening to this podcast, I’m going to guess it’s to find a long-term relationship with a secure, emotionally available partner and maybe marriage or to start a family. I’m saying this just for pure motivation, but if you want to get to a place where you’re open to meeting that emotionally secure person, you’ve got to do the work of getting over this past relationship you’re stuck on. And of course, healing is more about the journey, not the destination. But the more healed you are and the more moved on you are, the easier it will be to get into your next relationship.