What is staying grounded in dating?
Being grounded in early dating is about staying present and focused on reality, without losing sight of your needs, boundaries and dating goals. It helps us go slower in the dating process, checking in with ourselves each step of the way so we can make better decisions. It’s about letting people show you who they are instead of projecting our fantasies or our fears onto them.
At its core, being grounded in dating means being grounded in ourselves. When we have a strong connection to ourselves, we can have a sense of security and safety in the dating process, which can feel anything but secure most of the time.
The issues with not staying grounded in dating
Our fantasies and expectations let us down
We’re not grounded when we build up people in our heads as something they’re not. And one result of that is experiencing more pain when we ultimately realize they’re not who we thought they were.
I’ve seen this quote a few times on Instagram, where it says “My expectations keep hurting my feelings.” Having high expectations doesn’t align with staying grounded in dating because most times, people cannot live up to them. It’s taken me years to accept this in therapy but it’s true.
We have to stay grounded in what the process of dating is. At its bare, unromantic bones, dating is just gathering information about someone to decide if you want to keep seeing them. And this is true on the second date and still true in the second year of dating someone. You date someone until you realize you don’t want to date them anymore, or you realize you want to keep them around. Everyone is out here looking for that special someone, which is a huge challenge even without all the aspects of modern dating that make it even more challenging.
We’re not making decisions based on reality
You’re making decisions based on the fantasy you’ve created in your mind, or based on a story you’re telling yourself and completely ignoring who they are. This can make their actions confusing or incongruent with who we thought they were. It’s better to just let people show you who they are and take their actions at face value.
We’re projecting stuff onto other people
This is particularly true if you’ve ever experienced something in a past romantic relationship or even a friendship where your trust was broken. When we’re not grounded, we fall into the trap of projecting past experiences, onto the actions and behavior of new people. Or we go into situations automatically expecting to have trust broken again.
We get ahead of ourselves
You have no idea how many times I have to remind people in my DMs that the person they’ve gone out with twice is not their boyfriend, and they shouldn’t expect boyfriend behavior from them.
This can lead us into relationships that are wrong for us
I talked a little bit about this in the validation episode from 2 weeks ago, but when we’re not grounded, all of these fantasies, projections, and ways we avoid being in touch with the reality of the situation can lead us into relationships with folks who are not good matches for us.
5 Signs you’re not grounded in dating
- Fantasizing about the future. If you find yourself on a first date and thinking ahead to getting married or living with this person, if someone says something about themselves or their beliefs and you immediately jump to conclusions and assumptions.
- Rushing the connection. Expecting boyfriend behavior from someone you’ve spent a total of 15 hours with
- Filling in the gaps: Making assumptions, Creating stories. This is especially true if you’re someone who comes up with stories/reasons why someone isn’t texting you. Analyzing texts, trying to decipher their meaning
- Obsessing over them. It’s nice when someone new is occupying our thoughts, but when it gets to the point where you can’t work or be present with your friends, then it’s time to work on grounding yourself.
- Ignoring red flags/not considering your deal breakers. This is a big one. If you go on dates and discover any deal breakers or red flags, but make excuses for them, you’re not grounded in dating.
How to stay grounded in early dating
Remember that people are on their best behavior at first
Don’t forget that typically, people are on their best behavior in the early stages of dating. If they like you or if they’re trying to sleep with you, they might be more affectionate or complimentary or just coming off as a great person but their true selves might be revealed as you get to know them.
Don’t mentally map out your future
When you’re on dates, stay as present as you can. Don’t project things they say or do into the future, don’t imagine what it would be like if you were traveling together or living together. Focus on what’s happening at the moment and how you feel in the moment. With my ex, I used to fantasize about him proposing to me, and this was probably 2-3 years into dating, and meanwhile, the reality was that we had never talked about engagement and we were so not on the same page. I made the relationship even more painful for me to be in by fantasizing about something we had never even talked about doing.
Stay present
Enjoy where you are NOW in the early stages of relationships. Every stage of dating is unique in its way.
Remember that you barely know them
This is huge for staying grounded. You have to keep in mind that in most dating scenarios you barely know who they are. This doesn’t apply as much to relationships that start with a friend or work colleague, because in that case, they’re not a stranger. But even then, you don’t know them in a romantic context as well. When you feel yourself fantasizing, remind yourself how long you’ve known them. Even if you feel like you’re best friends after a month of dating, remember that it takes time to build true, lasting intimacy.
Wait to have sex
I recognize that there are many different definitions of what sex is and what it isn’t. I’m talking about heterosexual penetrative sex here. But you can apply this tip to whatever sex means to you. I only say wait to have sex because I’ve seen this so many times and have experienced this myself, sex early on, like within the first few weeks of getting to know someone, can make it more challenging for emotional connections to form.
I have a whole episode on this- it’s called How to navigate sex in early-stage dating. if you want to scroll back and find it. When it comes to staying grounded in dating, it’s just going to be easier to get to know someone, who they are, their character, and if the interest is mutual before jumping into bed with them. I can speak from experience, that having sex with someone does not make them more interested in you if they’re not feeling the connection.
Enforce your boundaries
Part of staying grounded in dating is knowing where your boundaries are and enforcing them as needed. It’s so important to do this in early dating because you can also see how they react to this. As a reminder, boundaries are reactive, not proactive. Meaning, you don’t need to speak up and state your boundaries until they’re at risk of being violated. Like you don’t have to say “I don’t sleep with people on the first date” before they’ve said a word to you -only if they invite you back to their place or make a move.
Call it off when you discover a dealbreaker
Staying grounded means you’re not dating for potential. So if you run into a dealbreaker, don’t assume they’ll change or make excuses for them. A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. Same with red flags – if something comes up that’s a red flag, you can address it by getting clarity. Like if they said something that might be a red flag, you can ask them to clarify like, what did you mean by that? or , can you tell me more about that? Then you can decide if it’s a true red flag or not. And if it is, consider moving on.
Lower the stakes
Especially on first, second, and third dates – do not forget that you’re not going ot know if they’re the one on the first date. I think people who say they knew their spouse was the one on the first date are a little delusional – maybe in hindsight it’s clear but come on, on the first date? It can go either way. It helps a lot to lower the stakes and remove all expectations. Do not be attached to the outcome. This is KEY in staying grounded in early dating. Remember that rejection is redirection
Keep asking yourself if you like them
This is just the only rule I have for early dating and it does help you stay grounded in the process. Keep the focus on if you like them. When you find yourself questioning their behavior or wondering if they’re even interested, flip it around and ask yourself: do I like how this is making me feel? Do I like their behavior? Do I like them as a person?
Keep the pace slow
Don’t see each other every day. Don’t text all day every day. It’s so easy to get carried away in the whirlwind of early dating if a new relationship or fling kicks off with a ton of texting or you’re seeing them pretty much every day. You can control the pace and slow it down by not allowing that to happen. Never cancel plans with friends or anyone else to make time for a date if you know you tend to just let a new relationship takeover.
Date multiple people
Dating multiple people helps you internalize abundance – that there are many people out there to date, and it helps you avoid falling for any one person too fast in early stages of dating. It also makes rejection sting a little less.
You are complete without a partner
Like I said earlier, staying grounded means you have a strong connection to yourself. It’s about knowing no matter what happens you’ll be okay. This strong connection to yourself makes navigating the unstable process of early dating a lot easier. You are a whole-ass person with or without a partner. You don’t need a partner to complete you. Your relationship status has nothing to do with your value as a person. You’re already a whole, complete person. So staying grounded looks like keeping this in mind because someone else being interested in you has nothing to do with your self-worth. When you feel yourself losing grip on reality because you want to be liked, remember this one. You don’t need a relationship to make you whole.