What’s a good match in dating?
When I say good match, I mean someone who is potentially a good fit in terms of having a relationship with you. This is someone who has aligned relationship goals and who’s easy to talk to and be with. Having some alignment when it comes to values, life goals, and interests helps a lot. But what’s even more important is openness, because no one is going to be an absolute perfect match. It just doesn’t exist.
If it sounds hard to find, that’s because it is.
Why is it so hard to find a good match?
I think a good match is hard to find for three main reasons:
1. A Broken Picker
The first one is a broken picker. Sometimes we focus on the wrong things. That can lead us into relationships with people who aren’t good matches long term. If you want to learn more about that, check out my episode on dating for validation and my episode on situationships.
Sometimes we’re closed off to people if they don’t look or act the way we expect. The ick can throw a wrench in things. And pickiness about surface-level traits like height and hair can make it hard to find a good match. A lack of openness, in general, makes it really hard to find someone compatible.
2. Not Knowing Your Needs
The second reason finding a good match is so difficult is not knowing exactly what you want or need. I don’t believe that this is one of those things where you can just know it when you feel it. We have the ability to access so much information about who we are and what works for us in relationships. So why not use that to make better decisions? If you haven’t reflected on what you need (and don’t need) in a partner, finding a match is difficult.
3. You just haven’t met a good match yet
It’s not because everyone out there is low quality or whatever.
Trust me when I say this. There are good people out there, but no one is perfect so if you’re looking for the perfect partner I’m sorry to tell you they don’t exist. I truly believe there’s a lid for every pot, a butt for every seat – there’s someone out there for everyone, if not multiple people. I don’t believe there’s only one person out there for everyone.
If you’re out here thinking there are no good ones left, it’s not true. You’re single, are you not a good one? I don’t know you personally but if you’re listening to this, I’d put money on you being a total catch.
Part of finding a good match is believing that there are potential matches for you out there and accepting that you’re not going to find the perfect partner. If you don’t believe there’s someone out there for you, there’s just no point in dating. When you’ve been dating for a while without getting past a first second or third date or only ending up in situationships, it’s normal to feel jaded, cynical and burnt out. That’s a sign it’s time for a break, it’s NOT a sign that there’s definitely no one out there for you.
What I’m trying to get at here is that if you want to find a good match, you need to have an open, abundant mindset from the gate. If that’s not where you’re at, take a break from dating.
How do you know if they’re a good match?
You’re not going to know if they’re a good match from their dating profile or from your first encounter.
You probably won’t know 100% for sure by the end of the first or second date. However, you’ll definitely get some information to start making the call for yourself.
When you go on a date, what do you typically find yourself paying attention to? Are you icked out by the smallest things? Do you look for red flags, dealbreakers, and reasons to reject them based on what they say and do? Are you trying to pick up signs that they’re interested in you? Or are you aware of your body, and how they make you feel?
If you find yourself consistently paying attention to the icks and negative qualities about your date, like fixating on the weird way they hold their utensils or how they snort when they laugh or the fact they don’t like cats and you find that appalling, it’s time to start actively looking for reasons to say yes. Practice looking for the positives. This isn’t about forcing yourself to like someone you’re not attracted to. It’s about training your mind to not focus so hard on the negatives. Everyone has flaws and quirks and negative things, but you need to learn how to see the positives too. This comes back to having an open mind and being open to getting to know them more.
That’s really what we’re looking for here, don’t forget. You’re not looking for signs they’re marriage material. Look for signs you should get to know them more, which might look like dating them exclusively. That’s all. Dating someone exclusively isn’t a marriage! It’s just giving a relationship a shot.
Feeling Comfortable With Them
The best way to know how someone makes you feel when you’re around them is to be present. That’s listening to what they’re saying, asking questions, being engaged, being in your body.
If you feel like you can be yourself around them, that’s a huge green flag that they’re a good match. But half the battle of showing up on dates as yourself is being comfortable with your own authenticity. You have to trust and internalize that someone WANTS the full, authentic, unapologetic you! I can guarantee that someone out there will be crazy about you, just as you are. But it’s on you to be able to show that side of you too.
It might not be a good match if you feel judged, criticized or nervous about how they’ll react. Or, if for any reason, they make you feel like you need to be more guarded. Or if you feel stiff around them or like you have to force the conversation, that’s not a great match.
You won’t get a complete sense of whether or not you feel comfortable with them on the first date, and that’s okay. If you felt good enough, if you had a good enough time and there were no obvious dealbreakers or red flags, just go on the second date. Feeling comfortable with someone can take some time, so it’s worth giving it a few dates if there’s alignment in other areas.
See Where You Align
When it comes to your relationship goals, hobbies, interests, life vision and all that, you can figure out where they stand on what’s important to you without interrogating them.
Relationship goal alignment
The relationship one is particularly important to communicate on a first or second date. I’ve heard more dating experts say that this should come up on the second date, but I’ve brought it up on the first date too and it’s fine. Ultimately it’s whatever you feel comfortable with.
But you want to make sure you’re currently looking for the same thing in dating, whether that’s casual hookups or something serious that ultimately leads to a lifelong partnership.
You can address this on a date by just saying, I’m curious… what are you looking for in dating right now?
The right person won’t be scared off by this perfectly reasonable question. Yes, it question holds a little bit of pressure. But you’re on a DATE. You can talk about dating!
Stuff you have in common
Dates are a chance for them to learn about you and for you to learn about them. Some topics to get into to figure out where you align and where you don’t would be what they do in their free time on weekends, how much their family is in their life or not, what they aspire to do with their career or hobbies and all that other fun stuff you could get into on dates.
Keep in mind that you don’t need your future partner to be into all the same things you’re into. There should be some overlap but it’s okay if you’re different.
What matters is if they’d be open to participating in your hobbies, which goes both ways, and that they’d be supportive.
Seeing where you align with someone is one of the most fun and most important parts of dating. You’re on a date to get to know someone, and so much of who we are is in what we do and how we see the world.
Alignment in dating isn’t just how you both spend your free time, it’s also how each of your worldviews, perspectives and beliefs mesh together – or don’t.
I often get asked, what do you do when you don’t align politically with someone? And my answer is always that it depends on how much you care about politics. Same goes for other aspects of life like religion and spirituality, education values, family values, health values and more.
So when you’re going on these first, second and third dates, it’s good to get into these topics. I don’t think having scripted questions memorized or ready to go is the best way to go into dating, but here are some ideas just to get your brain going.
Questions to learn if they’re a good match
- What does your family usually do for the holidays? (this is a good question to ask when winter holidays are relevant and if you want to learn about their religious values)
- What did you do last weekend? (this is an easy question to get into topics around how they spend their free time)
- What would you do for work if money didn’t matter? (this is a fun question that gives you a sense of what their aspirations are inside and outside of work)
- What was the last TV show you binge-watched? (this is another question that can lead into how they spend downtime and what type of shows, movies, podcasts, or books they like)
- Where did you go on your last trip? Or Where are you going on your next trip? (this is good for starting conversations around traveling and vacations)
- What are you a nerd about? (I love this question because it shows you what they’re into and hopefully can get them talking passionately)
- If you had more time, what hobbies would you want to get into? (this one is good if you’re trying to learn more about their aspirations for life)
- What’s something you were really into as a kid? (this is a good question that leads into discussions around upbringing and what their childhood was like)
- What’s your origin story? (I like this question for folks who have moved around a lot or if you want to start talking about past relationship stuff)
Ask questions based on what would be fun to talk about or what you still want to learn about them.
I encourage you to come up with a list of your own questions that tie directly to the things you care about in life, in a relationship and in a partner.
Figuring out if they’re interested
I know I usually talk about figuring out if you like them, but for a relationship to work, there needs to be interest on both sides.
Pay attention to how they treat you and if they show signs of interest while you get to know them. Notice how they listen and respond to what you say too. Some people weren’t socialized to get to know each other through talking and asking questions.
Look for signs of interest during and after dates. This is going to look like:
- communicating consistently
- reaching out to plan dates
- hitting you up via text
- sending you memes or TikToks
- asking you about your day
- showing physical affection like kissing or hugging
- basically just showing up!
I think this is one the hardest parts about getting to know someone because everyone shows interest in different ways, and these differences can cause a huge mess in communication. Maybe you’re a big texter and that’s how you show interest, but the person you’re seeing shows interest more through actions and less through words. So you might take the fact that they’re not a big texter as they’re not interested when they really are!
So in the early stages, step back and just watch what they do. Notice their behavior towards you. Don’t EXPECT them to show interest you in a specific way. Instead, notice what they are doing and then you can assess from there.
What if they’re a great match, but they give you the ick?
Sometimes you just have to get over the ick. Most icks are valid reasons to not pursue someone who…
- you have fun with
- can be yourself with
- enjoy being around
- wants the same things as you
- who you have stuff in common with
- consistently shows interest in you.
Imagine if you met someone who checks all those boxes, but their teeth are a little crooked or they don’t dress well or drive an old car – whatever it is. Most icks don’t affect the way someone can show up for you as a partner. So many of them are surface-level. Again I’m not saying to try to force yourself to be attracted to people you’re not. I’m just encouraging you to see the whole picture and not fixate on the icks.
Good matches are out there
To wrap it up, how you tell they’re a good match comes down to:
- if you can yourself around them
- how you align on relationship goals and what matters to you
- if there’s mutual interest
Assuming there’s also some level of attraction, that’s all you really need to know to decide whether or not you want to keep seeing them. It might take two or three dates, sometimes more, to figure it out.
Like I said up top, this is one of the most challenging parts of dating so it’s okay if it feels clunky, or confusing or awkward. Making the decision of who to continue dating is hard, so when you feel stuck, I encourage you to give yourself some compassion. You’re doing great.