What is defining the relationship?
The moment you define the relationship (also known as DTR) is when you explicitly say, we are a couple. We are in a relationship. We’re doing the monogamy thing – or whatever it is that you’re aiming for.
But the key here is that it’s a conversation between you and the person you’re dating. The idea is to get on the same page about your relationship, where you’re currently at, and where it’s heading.
The actual definition can be various things. You can say, okay we’re a couple now. You can say, okay I’m calling you my boyfriend now and I’m your girlfriend or partner or whatever. You’re stating what the relationship is.
What’s the difference between exclusive and defining the relationship?
I get a lot of questions about this so let me clear this up for you. Some people have said to me that exclusivity and defining the relationship are the same thing, but I disagree.
Exclusivity is the stage in early dating when you’re not seeing anyone else, but it feels too early to start using labels like girlfriend, boyfriend or partner. Even if you don’t date multiple people, briefly discuss with someone you’re dating that you’re focusing on them. By doing this, you communicate that you’re not available to new people.
And if you are dating multiple people, it’s good to check in and let them know you’re not seeing anyone else, if that’s the case. Then they can share where they’re at too.
Exclusivity is a natural step toward defining the relationship. Yes, you can skip over this conversation completely and go to defining it. But if you’re pursuing a monogamous relationship then exclusivity has to happen at one point.
What does it mean to define the relationship to you?
Before you go ahead and have the “define the relationship” conversation with someone, consider what that means to you.
Does it mean that you’ll start using labels? Do you discuss what’s expected at this next step? Do you start talking about the short-term future, like a few months out? Does this mean you’ll introduce them to your family?
You don’t have to make this moment so intense. However, having a sense of your own expectations and desires before having this conversation will help you communicate what you want and need clearly.
How do you know who to define the relationship with?
Defining the relationship is not something you’d do with someone you don’t see a future with or don’t enjoy hanging out with. It’s not realistic or ideal to define a relationship with someone you’ve only met three times.
On average the DTR moment typically happens after 10-15 dates with someone, or about 6 to 10 weeks in with someone depending on how often you see them. But again, these aren’t strict rules or timeframes. When you’re at the point of defining the relationship with someone, hopefully, you’ve spent enough time with them to know the following:
- That your dating goals are aligned
- You enjoy spending time with them
- That you feel comfortable around them and you trust them
- You like them as a person
- You feel like the relationship has legs – like it has room to grow and a direction to go in
- You’re attracted to them
- That you have stuff in common
Listen to the episode of Dating Intentionally on how to tell if they’re a good match for a more detailed breakdown on how to know who to pursue a relationship with.
At the end of the day, it’s not that deep, but it is a scary moment in modern dating.
Where does sex fit into this process?
It’s okay to wait to have sex until after you’ve either decided to be exclusive or define the relationship. If you’ve heard my episode on navigating sex in early dating, you know I believe in taking it slow. That means waiting at least a few weeks and at least 5 or 6 dates or even up to 10 dates. Make sure you like them and that you’ve had some discussions about where the relationship is going before jumping into bed. This is especially important if you’re prone to anxiety and getting overly attached after sex. I suggest waiting until after you’ve discussed exclusivity to make sure you’re both practicing safe sex at a level you’re both comfortable with.
When is the right time to define the relationship?
Somewhere between 2 and 3 months of dating is pretty average for defining the relationship.
This isn’t a hard rule, it’s the typical timing in today’s dating culture. Sometimes it happens sooner, sometimes later. It depends on how often you see someone and how long it takes you to feel comfortable and make an emotional connection.
Whatever you do, do not rush to this milestone. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to feel secure. You want to get that commitment from them and feel chosen by them. But when you rush to define the relationship, you rush the process of getting to know them more, which is the whole point of early-stage dating.
After at least 2 months, hopefully, you’ve had at least 8 dates and have spent some time talking about what you’re both looking for. Alignment is key. Once you know you’re on the same page about dating goals and you both enjoy being with each other, you have a good shot at a relationship.
How do you start the conversation about using labels in dating?
Now that we’ve got the logistics out of the way, let’s talk about having the talk. This is probably the most nerve-racking part of the whole DTR process and I get dozens of questions about this every week.
Here’s the thing. I don’t like gendering this stuff. But I’m not going to pretend that this process isn’t easier when the guy gets the ball rolling with defining the relationship in hetero situations. When I get DMs about this, often it’s a heterosexual woman who wants things to move forward. And she either has to wait for the guy to say something toward defining the relationship OR she has to bring it up.
The issues with “What are we?”
Don’t ask the person you’re seeing, “What are we?”
First of all, vague questions get vague answers. How are you supposed to answer the question, what are we? The answer could be so many things.
And second of all, you’re backing them into a corner with this question. You’re putting them on the spot.
Instead of asking them “What are we?” here are some more effective approaches that align better with clearer communication.
Say what you want.
Two ways to initiate the DTR conversation
By you going first, you then make them feel more comfortable being honest and sharing with you about how they feel and what they want.
1. “Hey, I’ve enjoyed getting to know you and spending time together and I think I’m ready to go to the next step, meaning I’d love to start calling you my boyfriend.”
Then stop talking. Let that sink in and let them respond.
This approach is better because it shows them where they stand with you, and what you’re thinking about. It will make them realize it’s time to return the favor.
When you ask someone “What are we?” you’re basically saying: I want to define this, but I want you to do the scary thing and go first.
When you say what you want, you’re saying, I want to define this and I’m going to show you vulnerability, and I hope to get that in return. You’re setting a standard for clear communication too, which is pretty hot for a partner who values direct communication.
2. “I’d love to check in about how things are going with us. You know, I’ve been feeling happy while getting to know you and I want to take our connection to the next step. What do you think?”
This is a way to open up the conversation. There’s no pressure. This conversation can be fun to have. You can be general and ask things like:
- When do you typically start calling someone your girlfriend?
- What do you need to know about someone to know you want them to be your boyfriend?
- What do you think about using labels like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend?”
What if they’re not ready, or if you’re not ready?
If defining the relationship comes up and either you or they aren’t ready, it’s not the end of the world. If you’re the one who wants to move forward and they’re not ready, give yourself a deadline for how long you’ll wait and I encourage you to revisit the conversation in the following few weeks. You can ask them what they need or what’s holding them back from being ready, and assess if you want to stick around while they figure that out.
If you’re the one who’s not ready, be respectful of their time if they’re asking to DTR. Think about what you need to know or feel to move forward, and what’s missing. Then decide if you want to figure it out with them or not.
The trap to avoid here is to have this prolonged ambiguity where one person wants to move forward, and the other isn’t sure. This is how situationships happen. And then the person who isn’t sure gets the benefits of having a relationship without giving the security to the other person by calling it what it is. It’s not a great vibe.
What if they get scared off?
If you bring up the DTR conversation and they shut down, start acting cold or start to pull back, then they’re probably not on the same page. And you know what? While this might suck, it’s also a blessing. The right person is going to be so excited to define the relationship with you and start calling you girlfriend, boyfriend or partner. It’s so much better to let the scardycats go than chase them. If you bring this up and they run, pat yourself on the back for being brave and vulnerable. So many daters out there don’t have the confidence and strength to do that.
Isn’t it better to wait for the guy to initiate?
I dislike conventional dating advice that says the girl has to wait for the guy to drive the relationship forward. I think it’s important to have some patience while getting to know someone and not rush the connection, but you don’t have to wait for the guy to initiate each milestone. Especially if you’ve been dating for 2-3 months and you feel like it’s time to have the conversation, you can be the one to kick it off. I have had so many women message me that they took the leap by initiating the DTR convo and it worked out.
So you’ve defined the relationship, now what?
I want to remind you that this isn’t like a contract or anything. Even after becoming officially a couple, you’re still getting to know them and you can still learn something that causes you to realize they’re not going to be a good long-term match. Don’t force yourself to stay in something just because you’ve slapped labels on the relationship if you’re not happy or if you feel like your needs aren’t being met.
After you DTR, this might be when you start planning bigger trips, seeing each other more often, meeting more friends and family, doing holidays together and all that fun stuff. This is the moment that you’re basically out of the early stage of dating and into the early stage of a relationship. It’s great!
WRAP IT UP
I hope this episode helps if you’re confused about how you go from dating to getting into a relationship. Again, this moment can be tricky and scary and a little clunky and that’s okay. You’ve got this! Remember, don’t rush into this, get to know them, and when you’re ready, say what you want instead of asking that dreaded question, “What are we?”
If you have any other questions about defining the relationship, slide into my DMs on Instagram @dating.intentoinally and I’m happy to see if I can help and provide some clarity.