Do you ever feel totally apathetic about dating? Or like just the idea of going on a date feels irritating? If that’s you, then you’re probably dealing with a case of dating burnout and that’s what this post is all about.
What does burnout feel like?
If you’re experiencing dating burnout, you’re probably feeling exhausted when it comes to dating. Maybe you feel hopeless about finding someone or maybe you feel like you’re not enough.
You know you’re burnt out when opening the apps for a minute makes you feel icky, sad, cynical and judgmental. Unfortunately, if that’s your mindset when using dating apps, they’re not going to work. It doesn’t matter how perfect your profile is or how much you’re swiping.
If you’re feeling burnt out on dating, you’re not alone.
A survey from April 2023 of 500 adults aged 18-54 showed that almost 80% of them experienced dating burnout and fatigue. A survey from 2016 by Match of 5,000 single Americans showed that about half of this sample size was burnt out from dating apps.
I asked the community on Instagram to share what dating burnout felt like and here’s what they said.
Dating burnout feels like…
- Everyone on the apps annoys me
- I’m no longer engaged on dates or having fun meeting new people
- I feel big anxiety when chatting or planning a date
- When dating feels like a chore
- Even if a guy is amazing you don’t want to see him again
- I cancel dates for no good reason
- When you’re just mindlessly swiping without really looking at their profiles
- I feel overwhelmed with so many choices
- I swipe through profiles with existential disgust and can’t imagine myself ever being excited
The vicious cycle of dating burnout
- You feel hopeless and exhausted from all the swiping, messaging and going on boring dates.
- You delete the apps.
- At first, you feel relieved, and then you feel like you might be missing out on finding your person.
- You redownload the apps, but this time you have a new set of boundaries to avoid all the bad matches.
- You talk to a bunch of people and go on a few dates, only to realize it’s the same sh*t on a different day.
Then you’re back to the beginning. I’m hoping that the tips I share in this episode break you out of the burnout cycle if you’re currently in it. I just want you to know that unfortunately, it’s normal to experience some level of burnout because it’s a common side effect of using dating apps that are designed to keep us hooked. You’re not alone.
Why does dating burnout happen?
1. Fielding bad app etiquette
One of the biggest contributors to dating burnout is that a lot of people on the apps don’t take it seriously at all. While dating apps are a great tool for meeting people, talking to people who don’t take it seriously is frustrating.
2. Unrealistic Expectations
On the apps, we’re exposed to so many different kinds of people who have different values and come from different walks of life. Some show up having done the work on themselves and are ready to get into a relationship, but most would probably roll their eyes at the suggestion of therapy. So when we go into using dating apps expecting everyone will behave the way we would, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. High expectations lead to feelings of disappointment which feed into dating burnout.
3. Setting boundaries is hard
Dating apps are designed for us to be hooked on them. So it’s on us, the users, to set healthy boundaries around them. Having discipline with anything is tough, especially dating apps. So it’s no wonder you feel burnt out if you have no boundaries around your app usage.
4. Online dating feels like a job
With all the swiping, matching, messaging, filtering, screening and not to mention planning, just landing one date feels like so much work. Apps make this process kind of transactional, and it takes so much time to even find someone to go on a date with. It makes sense that dating can feel like a second job.
5. Managing different personas
So this is a subtle cause of dating burnout that I learned about when researching this topic. The idea is that your dating persona is different from your work or regular life persona. Switching back and forth between all these personas is mentally exhausting. It’s something to think about if you feel like you turn into a different version of yourself on dates and it’s tiring you out.
6. Repetition and decision fatigue
If you’ve used dating apps for a while, it can feel like every profile looks the same. You’re constantly having to share the same things about yourself with new people. And what makes it worse is if it doesn’t go anywhere, like if no relationships actually start in the process. So if you’re already exhausted from dating, this repetition makes it worse.
Another part of the online dating process is having to make so many decisions every single time you open the app. Every swipe is a decision. Every message is a decision. Just think about how many decisions you make within 5 minutes of cruising on a dating app. Then add that to all the decisions you have to make in your normal day. It’s a lot, and it adds to mental fatigue and burnout.
So with all of these factors of burnout in mind, let’s talk about how we avoid it and heal from it.
How to deal with dating burnout
Take a break from dating
Taking a break from going on dates is essential to healing from burnout. A dating break can be as long as you want, but a month is a good amount of time to start with. Make sure when you take a break, it’s a clean one. Let yourself check out from dating completely.
What to do during a dating break:
- Dive into a project. Some examples are diving into a hobby, a home improvement project or planning a big trip.
- Take time to reflect. This might look like journaling, going to therapy or picking up a self-development book.
- Focus on self-care. Find ways to get better sleep, exercise more and eat more nourishing meals. Spend time with people who make you feel good too.
Improve your dating mindset
If you feel trapped by your ideal timeline for finding a partner, this contributes to dating fatigue and burnout. It’s time to let go of the timeline a little. We can’t control who’s single and when and if we even have access to meeting them. The best we can do is show up as ourselves, be kind to others and do the inner work to heal from our past. Of course, we have to be open to opportunities to meet people too. That’s really it when it comes to what we actually have control over. The rest is kind of up to fate or the universe or it’s totally random – whatever you believe.
Reflect on your progress
I also encourage you to look at how far you’ve come in dating. Think about how you used to approach dating last time you were single or when you were younger compared to now. Think about how much better you are now at communicating. You’re more aware you are of your worth, your strengths and what an amazing partner you could be for the right person. When I feel burnout, thinking about how much I’ve accomplished on my journey helps me feel better, and I think this will work for you too.
Remember your why
Another thing to think about is… WHY are you dating? I don’t want you to use this question to push through burnout because that only makes it worse. But if you’re taking a break or some time to reflect after feeling burnt out, this question can help bring you back to your goals with dating. Keeping your goals front and center is a powerful way to feel positive about your dating life. Focusing on your big dating goal makes it easier to block out all the excess noise – you know all the ghosting, slow fading and love bombing. At least, it did for me in my journey.
Accept that rejection happens
Finally, if you want to keep burnout at bay, you have to work on your relationship with rejection. Rejection happens in so many ways in dating, whether it’s someone not replying on an app to getting an antighost text after a third date. The repetition of rejection makes burnout even worse. If you want to avoid burnout in the future, build up your resilience to rejection. Work on accepting rejection as part of the process and have tools for coping with it.
Work on your boundaries
Dating apps are here to stay and more and more people are meeting long-term partners on them. And yes, dating apps are businesses that are profiting off of mostly single people looking for love, which limits how useful they can be in some ways. But with the right boundaries in place, using dating apps doesn’t have to feel so daunting.
Two boundaries to put in place for dating apps:
- Limit when you will use the apps. So that could be a daily time limit like only spending 10-15 minutes on them per day, and only after work. Or it could be only using them on Thursdays and Sundays, which are the highest volume days for dating apps anyway. You can set up a timer on your phone that monitors how much time you’ve spent on these apps and then it sends you a notification when you’ve hit your limit.
- Aim for quality over quantity by screening dates and being more selective. Only use this tip if you’re someone who starts a bunch of conversations and then gets overwhelmed before feeling completely burnt out. But to avoid that exhaustion and overwhelm, it’s time to start getting more selective.
I covered what dating burnout feels like, why it happens and so many different ways to deal with it including how to use a break effectively, how to use dating apps more intentionally and ways to leverage boundaries in the process. I hope this episode helped you if you’re going through dating burnout now or at least made you feel less alone because this is affecting so many people. Maybe it’s something you can even bond with your dates over? Just saying!