Not sure how to build chemistry in dating? Keep reading to learn. This is a skill you can develop to build richer connections that turn into long-term relationships (as long as compatibility is there!).
Chemistry is about alignment and connection. It’s more of a vibe and it’s something that is developed with time.
There are several types of chemistry you can experience in various relationships – even nonromantic ones:
- intellectual chemistry
- physical chemistry
- social chemistry
- emotional chemistry
I think where we screw up is jumping to the conclusion that there’s no chemistry after one date or one interaction.
Chemistry is good to look for and be open to, but don’t write someone off if you don’t immediately feel it on a first date.
How to build chemistry
To build chemistry with someone, sitting across from each other with a drink is likely not going to do it, which again is why you need to diversify your activities on dates after you meet them for the first time. So think second and third dates.
Good experience dates will involve you doing something together where you’re not relying on only each other for topics of conversation.
Here are 10 date ideas to help build chemistry:
- Rock climbing or bouldering – even if you’ve never done it before, it’s nice when we can laugh at ourselves.
- Pickleball – it’s social, it’s active, it’s low key.
- Going to a museum or gallery – this is perfect if you’re more of an introvert and find conversation draining, but there’s still a lot to talk about.
- Cooking together – cooking together will open the door to conversations around family traditions, memories, food preferences, and so many other fun topics.
- Escape room – there’s nothing like solving a problem together to build chemistry.
- Board game bar or arcade bar – we also love competition when building chemistry!
- Go on a hike or bike ride – if you want something more low-key and less pressure, a hike or bike ride are great options to get outdoors and get your blood flowing together.
- See a concert or storytelling show – if comedy is not your thing, take advantage of other types of live performances! I love concerts because you can play with physical touch when you’re standing in a crowd, watching live music.
- Have a picnic – this is a cute date that’s perfect for people-watching and enjoying the outdoors without getting sweaty or anything like that.
- Mini golf, bowling, go-carting – all those rom-com type activities for sure can build chemistry
3 more ways to build chemistry on dates:
Other important aspects of building chemistry are flirting, asking questions, using playful touch, and letting your sense of humor shine.
You don’t have to wait for the chemistry to hit you, you can kind of throw a line out and see how it’s received. Like make a joke, or playfully touch them on the arm, or ask a more nosy question and see if they match your energy or not!
Chemistry is a two-way street so when you’re on a date, make sure yu’re doing your part. It’s okay if yu’re not an extrovert or you’re not super playful, there are still aspects of your personality that you can lead with, that you can play up to do your part in creating chemistry.
- Ask deeper questions – I am a super curious and direct person, I love asking questions that might make my date a little bit uncomfortable or that might surprise them.
- Flirting. If you like flirting, don’t shy away from it on dates. You can try flirting and see how it lands. You can use playful touch to build chemistry. An arm squeeze or a gentle nudge, maybe you touch their hand when you’re talking – as long as it feels natural of course. Don’t force it with the touch.
- Let that sense of humor of yours shine. Either they’ll get it or they wont. I have a very dry and sometimes silly sense of humor and so does Johnny which is why we work together very well, but I went on dates where I made dry jokes and they didn’t land at all. that’s okay! Again this is about doing your part of building chemistry.
How many dates should you have to see if chemistry shows up?
Chemistry can at least three dates to build sometimes. Especially if you’re dating someone who’s more shy or just takes longer to get to know. Or maybe youre the more shy one who takes time to open up.
However, when we’re talking about physical attraction and desire in this way, I think three dates is enough.
If you feel like there’s attraction and compatibility by date three, but chemistry is lacking, keep going.
With compatibility, but no attraction or chemistry by date three, stop it there.
If you only have chemistry and attraction, but no compatibility, well it depends on your deal breakers.
So if you run into a deal breaker by date three, end it there.
If you need more information on compatibiilty, it could be worth a few more dates adn discussions.
Where compatibility fits into building chemistry
I want to touch on compatibility for a second because its really important.
I have an IG post on this where I talk about how chemistry is the gas and compatibility is the car. You need both for a relationship. But if the car is falling apart, not enough gas in teh world will make it last. And if the car is amazing, but there’s no gas, it just won’t go anywhere. Unfortunately, chemistry alone isn’t going to make a relationship last. so you need to focus on both.
If you want to learn more abut compatibility, I recommend listening to my episode on how to tell someone is a good match. And check out my course on how to identify your needs. It foucses heavily on how to figure out who is compatible with you.
Here are three action steps for building chemistry:
- Stop chasing the spark. It’s okay if you feel the spark, but not feeling it isn’t a dealbreaker or a red flag. While you do need to feel attraction, you don’t need to feel the spark early on to have a great long-term relationship
- Be open to more dates with someone early on if you’re on the fence because sometimes repeated exposure can help boost attraction. Of course, only keep dating dsomeone if you enjoy your time with them and there are no major deal breakers.
- Chemistry is a part of your connection with someone that you can build. So make sure you’re doing your part in actually giving the opportunity for chemistry to develop by showing interest and enjoying different types of dates.