Could 2024 be the year you improve your dating life and find love (or at least enjoy the process of dating?
These are my top ten tips for intentional dating – meaning dating with a purpose, and not letting just anyone into your life. There’s a lot of dating intentionally advice out there and it’s hard to know what works. These top ten pieces of advice will have the most impact on your success with dating and your search to find a secure relationship.
Make your dating life awesome in 2024
Prioritize finding a partner
If you want to get into a relationship, you have to own that. That means making dating a priority.
No, you don’t have to be like me and date 64 people in 10 months to find a relationship, even though that would be pretty effective. Carving out time for what’s important to you is the only way to make it happen.
You can’t meet someone this year by doing nothing. It’s more likely to happen if you mentally own it. Repeat after me: “I am looking for love. I’m looking for a partner. I want to be in a relationship.” How does that feel?
Part of this is also getting real with yourself. Would you date yourself? Are you currently embodying all the things you’re looking for or need in a partner? This is part of prioritizing it too.
Work on your self-worth and confidence
If you want to get into a relationship next year, I think working on your confidence is worth it. Confidence is way more important than how you look, everyone finds confidence attractive on some level.
I’m not talking about cockiness or arrogance. Quiet confidence counts here too. But everyone thinks confidence is attractive because being around a confident person is easier. Right? Think about someone you know who is very confident. It’s easy to be around them because their self-assuredness makes you feel more at ease. You don’t have to worry about them. They’re not constantly apologizing or putting themselves down.
Confidence comes in many forms, but what it comes down to is trusting yourself. This is one thing you can do this year to get more out of life. When we work on trusting ourselves we take more risks and get out of our comfort zone. A great side effect is that confidence is hot. and be more attractive.
5 amazing books for self-confidence
- You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero
- The Confidence Code by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman
- Unfu*k Yourself by John Bishop
- The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden
- What’s Right With Me by Caroline Deroo
Go on dates
This is a no-brainer, but if you want to start dating intentionally in 2024 you will have to go on dates.
If you’re someone who hasn’t been on a date in a long time, I get it. It’s scary, the stakes feel super high and it’s uncomfortable.
I promise you that you’re not going to accidentally trip and fall into a relationship or marriage with the wrong person. A date is just a date. The stakes are super low. And it’s even easier when you go in as the chooser, which we’ll get to later.
So how do we go on more dates? Using dating apps is one way. Maybe this year you’ll try different ones. Hinge, Tinder and Bumble are the most popular, but there are so many different dating apps out there to try. It could be fun to get in early and check them out, you never know.
While dating apps are tough on our mental health and haven’t been that great for dating culture as a whole, we can’t sit here and pretend that people don’t meet their partners on them. They might not work the exact way they promise to, but they do give us opportunities to meet new people. Unfortunately, it’s on us to set boundaries around using them so we don’t burn out or go down a spiral of negativity.
If you don’t want to use dating apps, you’ve got to get out of your house and meet people. There’s no way around it.
If you want to meet people to go out with but you feel like you don’t have time, you need to get real with yourself. Maybe this isn’t a season of your life where you’re willing or able to say “no” to something in your routine or schedule to make room for dating. But you’ve got to own how you’re spending your time and either make a change to fit dating in or accept that you just aren’t prioritizing right now.
Be more open and less judgmental
Stop looking for reasons to say no to people. If you want to find someone amazing in 2024, I need you to accept that even the most amazing person has flaws and isn’t perfect.
The best partner for you might also give you the ick. There are some things you’re going to need to get past so you can keep your focus on the bigger picture. Don’t focus on the one weird thing they do that’s a turn-off and has no effect on how they treat you.
I’m not saying you have to settle. I’m saying you have to accept that your ideal partner is likely going to have some questionable quirks. We all do.
Another way to be more open this year while dating intentionally is to stop looking for attraction and chemistry off the bat. Especially if you’re dating from the apps, attraction and emotional connection take some time to build, usually around 3-5 dates.
When you go on a date from the apps, you’re basically on a blind date and you have to work to find common ground, see if you have a similar sense of humor and all that stuff. It takes work and time, so don’t write off people too quickly. If you don’t have a reason to say no, keep going.
Being open-minded also looks like not writing off people who don’t act the way you think they’re supposed to. It literally won’t matter who paid for the first date when you’re 6 months into your relationship and booking your first trip together. Step back and reflect on their behavior, and ask yourself if it’s make or break.
Give people a chance.
Keep your standards high and eliminate expectations
Your expectations will disappoint you. Instead, be open and neutral to how people will show up and then decide if it’s for you or not. Your expectations are getting in the way of seeing people for who they are in reality, you know?
On the other hand, your standards and boundaries help you avoid getting into situationships and relationships that aren’t healthy for you.
When you keep your standards high, you’ll probably end up rejecting more people. You’ll even start attracting people who are more likely to meet your standards too. Listen. Every person you meet who it doesn’t work out with gets you closer to the person who it will work out with. Rejection is redirection.
Make your dating life fun
You know yourself better than anyone. What are obstacles in your dating life and how can you work around them or remove them?
If you get nervous before dates, what can your predate routine be so you’re less nervous? I liked to get ready while listening to music and dancing. Movement always calmed my nerves!
If you get anxious about texting in early dating, maybe you can mute the person you’re talking to so you don’t have to worry about their name popping up on your phone randomly.
Are you a sober dater? Maybe you can keep a list of sober dates that you’d enjoy in your back pocket so no matter what you’ll have fun on dates.
Don’t overthink it and shoot your shot
Something I see every day in my DM’s is just so much overthinking when it comes to texting, asking someone out, nudging them for a date or bringing up the DTR convo.
If you want to get into a relationship, some more action and less thinking will do you some good. Do what feels natural. Don’t shoot from your hip or act from a wounded place, do what your highest self, your most mature self, would do. And I know if you’re reading this, the most confident version of you will shoot their shot without worrying too much.
And how do we do that? By having an abundance mentality. If you shoot your shot with someone early on, and it doesn’t work out, guess what? That’s okay. You’re going to meet another special person. If you’re putting yourself out there, I can guarantee it.
Slow down and release the pressure, lower the stakes
When it comes to dating intentionally there’s only so much we can control. We can control how much we put ourselves out there and how we interact with people, the choices we make. That’s about it.
You might have a timeline in your mind, of when you should be meeting someone or getting married or starting a family. But I encourage you to release that. It’s not a race. Everyone has their own story and timeline. Your story is unique and special, and it’s okay if it doesn’t line up with your friends’ stories or the trajectory your family hoped for. Nothing is wrong with you. You are dateable! You just haven’t met that special someone yet. This is why maybe in 2024, if you want to find a relationship, working on being more open-minded might be the thing that gets you into a relationship.
Make friends with your anxiety
Sometimes people ask me, “How do I get over my anxiety when dating intentionally?” And honestly, as someone who has worked with a therapist for many years on anxiety, my take is, it’s better to learn how to work with your anxiety than try to get rid of it completely.
Here’s what helped me. Maybe it will help you.
I see my anxiety as one of many parts of myself. Sometimes it even helps to give your anxious part a name, like Mandy. And if you’re reading this and your name is Mandy, I’m sorry. And when you feel anxious, you can be like, wow Mandy is very loud today. What’s going on? And tend to your anxious part as a parent would to a child. Asking her, what do you need? What’s causing this? And letting the anxiety happen without actually acting on it. Feelings are not facts. They’re valid and important information, but we don’t have to act on every feeling we have. There’s a difference between giving space for our feelings and acting on them, you know?
I think many of us can benefit from learning to make friends with our anxiety. It makes dating a lot easier when you’re not letting your anxiety run the show.
This is not something you can do overnight, but it’s something you can continually work on as your anxiety shows up in the dating process.
Be the chooser to improve your dating life
If there’s one thing I want you to get out of this blog, it’s this. If you want to date intentionally, pursue people who YOU like instead of focusing so much on being liked.
You need to walk into dates believing that they’re going to like you no matter what. And if they don’t, your self-worth is not tied to being liked because you’re focusing on learning about them to see if you’re interested in them. Their interest in you is either a given or it just doesn’t matter as much.
When we focus on being liked, we end up not being our authentic selves, we ignore red flags because we like how they make us feel, we’re not paying attention to if this person has what we need in a partner and this is all just a recipe for getting into a relationship with someone who’s the wrong fit.
This is not going to happen to you in 2024 ok? You’re going to work on knowing your needs and learning about your dates to see if you enjoy spending time with them and if they’re the kind of person who can meet your needs.