This question came from Instagram: “What are your thoughts on asking matches their dating intentions? I want to avoid time thieves!” Don’t we all. Here’s how to navigate this dating dilemma.
Know your own dating intentions first.
Rule of thumb: don’t ask questions that you don’t know the answer to yourself on a date, especially this one.
Take time to reflect on what you want out of the dating process right now. It’s okay if the answer is something casual or non-committal. Casual dating is fine! So is dating for marriage or a long-term relationship! What’s important is that you own whatever you’re looking for.
You can ask them on the dating apps.
If their dating app profile doesn’t include anything about their dating goals or intentions, it’s perfectly fine to ask when messaging them, especially if you’re looking for something serious. They might come back with a vague answer, but at least they get the signal from you that you’re goal-oriented. To the right person, that’s hot.
Some dating experts and coaches say asking on the dating app is too soon to bring it up, but it didn’t stop me from having great dates!
So try this one at your own risk – it might be too early for some folks, or not. I think it’s valid if you don’t want to waste your time. And remember that just because someone SAYS they want a relationship doesn’t mean they’re telling the truth or that they won’t change their mind later. Always take what they say with a grain of salt.
Ask about their dating intentions on the first date.
Another option is popping the dating intention question the first time you meet them in person or on video chat, which is how I first met my fiance. At the end of our video call, I asked what he was looking for, even though his profile said “long-term relationship,” and he said the same thing when I asked.
I suggest asking this question toward the end of the date. It is important to see how you two interact, if there’s any connection or chemistry, or what you have in common. Your dating intentions won’t matter if you don’t like being around them.
Or ask about their dating goals after the date.
Whether you ask about their dating goals in person or via text, make sure to do it before date three. Otherwise, you’re definitely in danger of wasting your time.
How to ask someone what their dating goals are:
Here are some ways to ask this question.
- “What are you looking for in dating right now?”
- “What are you hoping to get out of using the apps right now?”
- “What’s your ideal outcome in dating at this time?”
Normally, I advise folks to save important conversations for in-person or video call interactions. But for this, I think it’s okay to discuss via text if you’re more comfortable doing so. Doing it in person is more effective, and you’ll get more information about their reaction, but doing it over text is better than not asking at all!
I like adding “now” or “at this time” because it makes the question feel more present and specific. You can ask this via text or in person, but I always think in-person is better. Don’t forget to say YOUR answer to the question too!
This question won’t scare off people who “get” dating.
There is a point to dating. It’s okay to talk about dating ON A DATE. No one wants to waste time. So anyone who gets scared off or weirded out by this question is clearly not ready to date at your level. They’re delusional if their reaction shows that the question makes them uncomfortable. It’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask ON A DATE.
Someone who is also looking to date intentionally will appreciate this mature, straightforward approach to dating intentions.
And someone who’s scared of commitment will immediately jump to the conclusion that you’re trying to marry them on the spot and make them commit forever (which you’re clearly not).
Don’t be scared to ask this question. How they respond says a lot about the type of person they are and how they approach dating.
Should you believe what they say?
Of course, people can lie. They can say one thing and then change their mind. So, should you believe what someone says when you ask about their dating intentions? Yes, but with a grain of salt.
After this conversation, step back and see if their actions align with their words and intentions. Keep getting to know them, and figure out whether you trust them. Having aligned dating intentions is just a small slice of the relationship pie. Even if you seem to be aligned, that doesn’t mean a relationship will definitely unfold from there.
What if our dating intentions don’t align?
If they say they’re looking for something casual, and you’re looking for something more serious, then I recommend ending it ASAP. When two people with different dating goals continue seeing each other, that’s a recipe for a situaitonship. Talk about a waste of time! If someone says they don’t know what they’re looking for or are open to casual, that’s NOT an invitation for you to try to change their mind. That’s a sign it’s time to walk away.