Do you have any dating rules?
If you google dating rules, there are hundreds of articles and videos from a very wide variety of outlets outlining what we should and shouldn’t be doing in dating.
Honestly? I think these rules get in the way of our intuition. There are really only three rules in dating.
- Listen to your gut
- Focus on whether YOU like them
- Always be yourself
If you follow those three rules in dating, you’re going to act like yourself, show up like yourself, put your needs first and be the chooser.
There are three types of dating rules.
Boundaries
Boundaries protect us, our energy, our emotions, our time. So some dating rules exist to make sure we don’t betray ourselves and push our needs to the side.
Standards
Standards are a form of self-care and self-respect. They’re kind of a manifestation of our self-worth and self-esteem. Some dating rules are really just standards we keep to stay aligned with our self-worth and value.
Games
Dating rules that are meant to mislead someone or hide the truth are games at the end of the day. And with games, there’s a winner and a loser. These rules exist more to protect ourselves, but to the point where we’re no longer acting authentically or being true to ourselves.
I encourage you to test out different rules or guidelines or whatever you want to call them as you date. This is about figuring out the boundaries and standards we want to put in place to make sure our actions align with our goals and needs.
6 Dating rules that are boundaries
- Keep the first few dates short. Ideally, first, second and third dates are about 1-2 hours long. This way you keep the energy up, and you’re not giving a total stranger more of your precious free time. Get to know them more before giving them your entire Sunday! This is especially important if you get overwhelmed with dating or find it draining.
- Keep texting minimal before the first date. When you text someone a lot before the first date, you create a false sense of intimacy or build up an impression of them that might not be anything like how they are in real life. I’ve found dates go better when you go in after just chatting on the apps, making a plan and showing up. The reason this is a boundary is that not texting a lot before a first date is a way to protect your energy and time.
- Wait until you’re exclusive to have sex. This one comes up a lot and it’s a great boundary for so many reasons. I get into it more in my podcast episode about how to navigate sex in early-stage dating, but this boundary works well because you have a chance to get to know them before jumping into bed with them. Especially if you’re the kind of person who emotionally attaches after sex, or expects more from someone after sex, it’s better to just wait. This is a way to protect yourself emotionally and sometimes physically. Ideally, you’re only having sex with people you trust enough to have the STI conversation as well.
- No dinner first dates. Have you ever been stuck on a dinner date with someone you really don’t vibe with? I know I have. If you’re going to eat on a first date, ideally it’s at a food truck or or just dessert or maybe just ordering appetizers at the bar instead of a whole meal. A first date is a vibe check.
- Don’t follow each other on social until exclusively dating. This is a mental health boundary. I get you want to check them out on social to see the types of things they post, or to see if they look like their pictures. There are just a lot of different ways following each other on social media could go wrong or trigger your anxiety. Early-stage dating causes enough anxiety already. Do yourself a favor and wait to follow each other on social media until a few dates in or you’re in an exclusive relationship.
- Don’t plan the second date on the first date. This boundary helps give you more time for the dust to settle after a date to decide if you want a second one. Some folks jump into planning the second date during the first date or at the end because they feel pressure to, but might not actually want to meet again. Sometimes you need to go home and reflect and be honest with yourself about if you really want to see them again.
6 Dating rules that are standards
- If you’re interested show interest. This is a standard for communication, emotional availability and security. If you want someone who is secure and emotionally available, you need to show up as these things too. Part of that is expressing and showing interest if you’re genuinely interested in someone. That doesn’t mean throwing yourself at them! It means responding to their texts. Initiating plans. Being present on dates. Remembering things they say. Aksing them questions. Giving them a hug or initiating a kiss. Or it could be just telling someone you like getting to know them. Of course, we want interest to be reciprocal.
- Don’t ghost! If you go out with someone and you don’t want to see them again, but they ask you for another date, make sure to let them down easy. Or if they keep texting you and you know it’s not a fit, make sure to communicate that you’re not interested in continuing to talk or meet. Here are examples of anti-ghost texts you can send.
- Share relationship goals early and call it off if they don’t align. Set a standard of open and honest communication. When you show up to a date ready to share what you want and what you’re looking for, that sets the bar for the other person. The second part of this dating rule or standard is to walk away when you meet someone whose dating intentions don’t align with yours. So if you meet someone who just got out of a relationship and only wants casual, and you’ve been single for over a year and you’re ready for a relationship, you know to walk away and not waste your time.
- When in doubt, just go on the second date. This is another great standard in dating to set for yourself. First impressions don’t always go perfectly and I truly believe first dates are a performance. More often than not, a mediocre first date can lead to a fun second date! So if you’re on the fence and aren’t sure, give it another date to see if you can get more clear on how you feel about them. I don’t believe a first date has to be a fuck yes. It can be a “maybe.”
- If they’re not sure about being in a relationship with you after 3 months, move on. This standard is so important to set. There’s absolutely no reason someone needs more than 3 months, that’s 12 weeks, of consistently dating you to know if they want a relationship with you. At that point, if they’re still on the fence about you, they’re basically using you for the benefits of being in a relationship without actually committing. No thanks!
- Be the chooser. This is one of the most important dating rules. When you find yourself worrying about their interest in you, pause, take a breath and remind yourself that you are the prize. So ask yourself if you like them, if you like their behavior, if you like how they treat you and if you like being around them.
These dating rules worked for me and helped get me into a long-term relationship. Along the way, I broke a lot of my own rules, and I learned which ones I had to stick to if I wanted to maintain my self-worth and protect my energy. This episode is a sign for you to reflect on your dating experiences and create your own rules to help guide you and keep you aligned with your highest self and goals.
Dating rules that are just games
I don’t cosign these rules. When you’re playing games in dating, there’s a winner and there’s a loser. That’s just not the point here.
A dating rule is a game when…
- You’re intentionally withholding communication to make it seem like you’re less interested than you are
- Your actions are hot and cold (you’re using push/pull behavior to get attention)
- You act a certain way to elicit a certain reaction or response
These games are really just a form of manipulation. By playing games like this, you’re not being authentic.
I asked the Dating Intentionally Instagram community what they think about dating rules. I think doing this proved that some rules work for some people and not for others. It just proves that rules need to be tested out. Experiment and find what aligns with your values, dating goals and needs.
Dating rules that have to go
- If he wanted to he would
- Don’t talk about exes
- Making the man pay
- Don’t reply to texts right away
- Play hard to get
- Wait until he asks you out
- You have to text daily
- Dont text first after a date
- Wait 3 days to text
- Men should chase
- Splitting a first date is a red flag
- No sex on the first date
- No double texting
- No kissing until 3rd date
What do you think? DM me on Instagram @dating.intentionally – I’d love to know which ones you agree with and which ones you don’t.
These are the rules people said worked for them. There was a ton of overlap with my list so I didn’t include those to avoid being repetitive.
Other dating rules that work
- Ignore the rules
- Don’t let them pick you up on the first date
- Meet in a public place
- Don’t give them your address
- Don’t kiss on the first date
- Don’t go to their house unless you’re ready to have sex
- Be yourself
- The asker takes charge of planning the dates
- No exchanging numbers till after the first date
- Whoever cancels has to initiate rescheduling
- Don’t sleep with them until 1 cycle has passed so you know it’s not just hormones
- Don’t talk to them after 9 pm
- Don’t double-text questions
- If there’s no vibe when texting, don’t go on a first date
- Offer to split the bill
- Don’t try to define anything until date 6, just get to know them
- Don’t drunk text your ex
- Don’t overshare your dating life with your friends
Dating rules change over time. In modern dating culture, we have so many different ways to meet, connect and communicate – so much can get lost in translation. We need to recognize how important it is to have standards and boundaries (also known as rules) in modern dating and have compassion for ourselves when things feel extra confusing.